I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell