A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.