If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Money is the root of all wealth
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
buying dead houseplants to save time
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.