Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.