*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.