How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
boat question
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.