Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
You Might Also Like
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.