Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit