I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
This is my emotional support knife.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Your secret is safeish with me
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Fight
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.