My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
whatcha thinkin bout
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s