*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew