I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.