her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.