I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Best table by far
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
so this horse walks into a bar
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.