Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.