Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.