It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I’m already scared
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles