Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.