Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Twitter is the new flypaper.