App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Sign of the day..
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69