[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.