Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
All set.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar