instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.