Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My biological clock is wheezing.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?