Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat