Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway