[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Hamburger Hinderer.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
@funTweeters
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.