My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You Might Also Like
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”