[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
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911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot