Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting