Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: