♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.