incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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sir, my pâté if you please
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.