snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
You Might Also Like
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos