Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
There is wisdom there.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably