Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
You Might Also Like
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…