Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f