{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy