[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
You Might Also Like
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.