me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy