I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.