Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
You Might Also Like
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Food gives you energy to nap more.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits