Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
this is me
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.