The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
omg leave her alone
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it