When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
You Might Also Like
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
…żyje?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
very niche meme I made
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.