Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
This checks out