2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush