My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment