You Might Also Like
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
#Caturday
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.