You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Human are so complicated
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?